I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
