I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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