I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
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by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
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I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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