I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
