I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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