You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
