I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
