I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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