I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
