I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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