You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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