I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
