A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
