WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
