everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
