Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
