i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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