i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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