I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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