Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
