I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
