Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
