This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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