If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
