Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
