Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
