A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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