I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i only shaved half my leg
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.