I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
