Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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