you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
foreskin is a definite game changer
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
