She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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