dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
