This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
