Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
