You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
