saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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