y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
