Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Come share oat with me in your robe
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
