I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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