so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
