There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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