that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
