So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
