i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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