Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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