Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
