i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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