Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
