I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
