Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
