Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
