You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
