if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
