420 ftw
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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