Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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