You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
